Computer Today S Need Essay My Favorite

Every essay or assignment you write must begin with an introduction. It might be helpful to think of the introduction as an inverted pyramid. In such a pyramid, you begin by presenting a broad introduction to the topic and end by making a more focused point about that topic in your thesis statement. The introduction has three essential parts, each of which serves a particular purpose.

  1. The first part is the “attention-grabber.” You need to interest your reader in your topic so that they will want to continue reading. You also want to do that in a way that is fresh and original. For example, although it may be tempting to begin your essay with a dictionary definition, this technique is stale  because it has been widely overused. Instead, you might try one of the following techniques:
    • Offer a surprising statistic that conveys something about the problem to be addressed in the paper.
    • Perhaps you can find an interesting quote that nicely sums up your argument.
    • Use rhetorical questions that place your readers in a different situation in order to get them thinking about your topic in a new way.
    • If you have a personal connection to the topic, you might use an anecdote or story to get your readers emotionally involved.
    • For example, if you were writing a paper about drunk drivers, you might begin with a compelling story about someone whose life was forever altered by a drunk driver: “At eighteen, Michelle had a lifetime of promise in front of her. Attending college on a track scholarship, she was earning good grades and making lots of friends. Then one night her life was forever altered…”
  2. From this attention grabbing opener, you would need to move to the next part of the introduction, in which you offer some relevant background on the specific purpose of the essay. This section helps the reader see why you are focusing on this topic and makes the transition to the main point of your paper. For this reason, this is sometimes called the “transitional” part of the introduction.
    • In the example above, the anecdote about Michelle might capture the reader’s attention, but the essay is not really about Michelle. The attention grabber might get the reader thinking about how drunk driving can destroy people’s lives, but it doesn’t introduce the topic of the need for stricter drunk driving penalties (or whatever the real focus of the paper might be).
    • Therefore, you need to bridge the gap between your attention-grabber and your thesis with some transitional discussion. In this part of your introduction, you narrow your focus of the topic and explain why the attention-grabber is relevant to the specific area you will be discussing. You should introduce your specific topic and provide any necessary background information that the reader would need in order to understand the problem that you are presenting in the paper. You can also define any key terms the reader might not know.
    • Continuing with the example above, we might move from the narrative about Michelle to a short discussion of the scope of the problem of drunk drivers. We might say, for example: “Michelle’s story is not isolated. Each year XX (number) of lives are lost due to drunk-driving accidents.” You could follow this with a short discussion of how serious the problem is and why the reader should care about this problem. This effectively moves the reader from the story about Michelle to your real topic, which might be the need for stricter penalties for drinking and driving.
  3. Finally, the introduction must conclude with a clear statement of the overall point you want to make in the paper. This is called your “thesis statement.” It is the narrowest part of your inverted pyramid, and it states exactly what your essay will be arguing.
    • In this scenario, your thesis would be the point you are trying to make about drunk driving. You might be arguing for better enforcement of existing laws, enactment of stricter penalties, or funding for education about drinking and driving. Whatever the case, your thesis would clearly state the main point your paper is trying to make. Here’s an example: “Drunk driving laws need to include stricter penalties for those convicted of drinking under the influence of alcohol.” Your essay would then go on to support this thesis with the reasons why stricter penalties are needed.
  4. In addition to your thesis, your introduction can often include a “road map” that explains how you will defend your thesis. This gives the reader a general sense of how you will organize the different points that follow throughout the essay. Sometimes the “map” is incorporated right into the thesis statement, and sometimes it is a separate sentence. Below is an example of a thesis with a “map.”
    • “Because drunk driving can result in unnecessary and premature deaths, permanent injury for survivors, and billions of dollars spent on medical expenses, drunk drivers should face stricter penalties for driving under the influence.” The underlined words here are the “map” that show your reader the main points of support you will present in the essay. They also serve to set up the paper’s arrangement because they tell the order in which you will present these topics.
  • A final note: In constructing an introduction, make sure the introduction clearly reflects the goal or purpose of the assignment and that the thesis presents not only the topic to be discussed but also states a clear position about that topic that you will support and develop throughout the paper. In shorter papers, the introduction is usually only one or two paragraphs, but it can be several paragraphs in a longer paper.

For Longer Papers

Although for short essays the introduction is usually just one paragraph, longer argument or research papers may require a more substantial introduction. The first paragraph might consist of just the attention grabber and some narrative about the problem. Then you might have one or more paragraphs that provide background on the main topics of the paper and present the overall argument, concluding with your thesis statement.

Below is a sample of an introduction that is less effective because it doesn’t apply the principles discussed above.

An Ineffective Introduction

Everyone uses math during their entire lives. Some people use math on the job as adults, and others used math when they were kids. The topic I have chosen to write about for this paper is how I use math in my life both as a child and as an adult. I use math to balance my checkbook and to budget my monthly expenses as an adult. When I was a child, I used math to run a lemonade stand. I will be talking more about these things in my paper.

In the introduction above, the opening line does not serve to grab the reader’s attention. Instead, it is a statement of an obvious and mundane fact. The second sentence is also not very specific. A more effective attention grabber may point out a specific, and perhaps surprising, instance when adults use math in their daily lives, in order to show the reader why this is such as important topic to consider.

Next the writer “announces” her topic by stating, “The topic I have chosen to write about…” Although it is necessary to introduce your specific topic, you want to avoid making generic announcements that reference your assignment. This technique is not as sophisticated and may distract the reader from your larger purpose for writing the essay. Instead, you might try to make the reader see why this is such an important topic to discuss.

Finally, this sample introduction is lacking a clear thesis statement. The writer concludes with a vague statement: “I will be talking more about these things in my paper.”  This kind of statement may be referred to as a “purpose statement,” in which the writer states the topics that will be discussed. However, it is not yet working as a thesis statement because it fails to make an argument or claim about those topics. A thesis statement for this essay would clearly tell the reader what “things” you will be discussing and what point you will make about them.

Now let’s look at how the above principles can be incorporated more effectively into an introduction.

A More Effective Introduction

“A penny saved is a penny earned,” the well-known quote by Ben Franklin, is an expression I have never quite understood, because to me it seems that any penny—whether saved or spent—is still earned no matter what is done with it. My earliest memories of earning and spending money are when I was ten years old when I would sell Dixie cups of too-sweet lemonade and bags of salty popcorn to the neighborhood kids. From that early age, I learned the importance of money management and the math skills involved. I learned that there were four quarters in a dollar, and if I bought a non-food item—like a handful of balloons—that I was going to need to come up with six cents for every dollar I spent. I also knew that Kool-Aid packets were 25 cents each or that I could save money and get five of them for a dollar. Today, however, money management involves knowing more than which combinations of 10-cent, five-cent, and one-penny candies I can get for a dollar. Proper money management today involves knowing interest rates, balancing checkbooks, paying taxes, estimating my paycheck, and budgeting to make ends meet from month-to-month.

  • In the first line the writer uses a well-known quotation to introduce her topic.
  • The writer follows this “attention-grabber” with specific examples of earning and spending money. Compare how the specific details of the second example paint a better picture for the reader about what the writer learned about money as a child, rather than this general statement: “As a child, I used math to run a lemonade stand.” In the first introduction, this statement leaves the reader to guess how the writer used math, but in the second introduction we can actually see what the child did and what she learned.
  • Notice, too, how the reader makes the transition from the lessons of childhood to the real focus of her paper in this sentence: “Today, however, money management involves knowing….”
  • This transition sentence effectively connects the opening narrative to the main point of the essay, her thesis: “Proper money management today involves knowing interest rates, balancing checkbooks, paying taxes, estimating my paycheck, and budgeting to make ends meet from month-to-month." This thesis also maps out for the reader the main points (underlined here) that will be discussed in the essay.

Resources

Comments on Initial Essays
EMSC 121

Essay

I've never really thought extensively about how mineralsaffect my life until I started taking this course.  Minerals are everywhereand it never occurred to me that my life would be so different withoutthem.  As I start my day, I take for granted that I have a place tolive.  Without minerals, I would be homeless.  Minerals are thekey components in the foundation of my apartment building.  They arewhat make my building strong and secure.  When I walk in my bathroom,I take for granted that I have tiles on my floor and in the bath tub. And when I look in the mirror to put on my gold and silver jewelry (althoughI never wear both together because that is a big fashion No-No), I takefor granted that I am able to see myself in my mirror (because of minerals)and to admire my minerals (aka my gold necklace and silver watch). Without minerals, I wouldn't be able to make such a great fashion statement. As I leave my apartment, I take for granted that I have sidewalks and streetsto walk on.  Without minerals, I would be forced to walk through muddyfields and grassy pastures.  Sitting in my computer class, I takefor granted that I have a computer, which uses gold trimmings to operate. After class, I take for granted that I have a car to drive to the grocerystore so that I can buy food.  The list goes on and on.  Mineralsmake all my daily routines a reality.  Without them, life would beso much different.  Yet, it wasn't until I registered to take thisclass that I realized the true importance of minerals in my everyday life.
 Even though I see the great impact of mineralsin my life, I also am concerned with the negative impact of them as well. I have heard horror stories of pollution caused by the extraction of minerals. In this class, I hope to learn the basic concepts regarding minerals butI also hope to learn about the environmental concerns associated with theextraction of minerals.  I want to hear about real issues and concernsthat face society today.  I want to be able to walk away from thisclass with not only a better understanding of minerals but with a trueapplication of the impact of minerals in my life.  I want to gaina better understanding of how minerals are extracted and converted to everydayobjects but I also want to learn why some should not be extracted due toenvironmental concerns.  Overall, I want to be able to walk away fromthis course with knowledge that I can use in my everyday life.
 
 

Comments

I enjoyed reading your essay.  It is thoughtful andinsightful. I offer three sets of comments to consider, as marked by thethree different brackets:
 << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure,organization]], and {{grammar}}. I may have also  removed  (somewords -'dead wood' or 'distracting') and added SOME WORDS, as designatedby parentheses (), or ALL CAPS .

{{need a title for your essay}}
 

 I've never really thought extensively about howminerals affect my life until I started taking this course.  Mineralsare everywhere and it never occurred to me that my life would be so differentwithout them.  [[perhaps another sentence here in introduction andstart a new paragraph for the body of the essay]] As I start my day, Itake for granted that I have a place to live.  Without minerals, Iwould be homeless.  Minerals (are the key components in) CONSTITUTEthe foundation of my apartment building [[Use active voice, and robustverbs.]]  (They are what make my building strong and secure.) (When I walk in my bathroom,) I take for granted that I have tiles on thefloor IN THE BATHROOM. (and in the bath tub.)  And when I look inthe mirror to put on my gold and silver jewelry (although I never wearboth together because that is a big fashion No-No), I take for grantedthat I am able to see myself in my mirror (because of minerals) and toadmire my minerals (aka my gold necklace and silver watch).  Withoutminerals, I wouldn't be able to make such a great fashion statement. [[paragraphbreak]] As I leave my apartment, I take for granted that I have sidewalksand streets to walk on.  Without minerals, I would be forced to walkthrough muddy fields and grassy pastures.  Sitting in my computerclass, I take for granted that I have a computer (,) which uses gold (trimmings)CONDUCTORS to operate.  After class, I take for granted that I havea car to drive to the grocery store so that I can buy food.  The listgoes on and on.  Minerals make LIFE POSSIBLE. (all my daily routinesa reality.)  (Without them, life would be so much different. Yet, it wasn't until I registered to take this class that I realized thetrue importance of minerals in my everyday life.)
 Even though I see the great impact of mineralsin my life, I also am concerned with the negative impact of them as well. I have heard horror stories of pollution caused by the extraction of minerals. In this class, I hope to learn the basic concepts regarding minerals butI also hope to learn about the environmental concerns associated with theextraction of minerals.  I want to hear about real issues and concernsthat face society today.  [[paragraph break to start the conclusion]]I want to be able to walk away from this class with not only a better understandingof minerals but with a true application of the impact of minerals in mylife <<not  clear after "but with..">> .  I want to gaina better understanding of how minerals are extracted and converted to everydayobjects but I also want to learn why some should not be extracted due toenvironmental concerns.  Overall, I want to be able to walk away fromthis course with knowledge that I can use in my everyday life.

<<good examples of minerals along a story line ofa daily routine; good contrast of material benefits versus environmentalcosts>>
[[need to have a well-crafted structure with  separateparagraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion]]
{{Use shorter and simpler sentences with active voice.  Use 'I' less frequently when you can.  It would be difficult to dothat in this essay since you adopted an informal tone. }}
 

Essay
 

           When I was a freshman in high school, I took an Earth Science class thatdealt with many subjects—my favorite being minerals and rocks. I likedthe colors, textures, and shapes of them, and even learning what they areused for in the world. I learned about the different uses for each mineral,what their differences and similarities were, and how to identify them.I only wish I could remember everything I learned! But now that I can’tremember much at all, I’m very excited about taking this class. I knowminerals affect everything around me, and in this class, I can’t wait tolearn about the specific ways they do.

           Minerals are everywhere—from the cars we drive, to the food we eat, tothe jewelry we wear, and even inside our computers. Lead, Aluminum, Silver,Gold, and Sulfur—all of these minerals and many more are used in certainand specific ways every day. I know that without minerals, I would notbe here, as my own body is composed of many of them. I’m very intriguedby the fact that if even one mineral was wiped out of existence—say aluminumwas completely gone forever—our way of life would be drastically changed.We’d have to find another way to build our airplanes, our cars, and a newsubstance to wrap our leftovers in. Or if lead were to disappear, we wouldhave find a new way to build and run electronic applications, televisiontubes, weights, ceramics or crystal glass, foil or wire, and even X-Rayand gamma radiation shielding.

           I hope to learn about how each mineral is specifically used in my life—andaround me. I want to be able to identify minerals in my life—and figureout how each was used to create the things around me—like the walls ofmy dorm room, my desk lamp, and my fish bowl—everything. I really thinkI’m going to enjoy this class. I’m definitely ready to learn.
 

Comments

I enjoyed your essay. It is well structured, and wellwritten.  You obviously did some reading before writing this essay. It includes many examples of mineral uses and a good level of technicalinformation. I offer three sets of comments to consider for your futureessays, as marked by three different brackets:
 << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure,organization]], and {{grammar}}. I may have also  removed  (somewords -either 'dead wood' or 'distracting') and added SOME WORDS, as designatedby parentheses () and ALL CAPS, respectively .
 
 

 {{need a title}}

           When I was a freshman in high school, I took an Earth Science class thatdealt with many subjects, INCLUDING (—my favorite being) minerals and rocks-MY FAVORITE. I liked the colors, textures, and shapes of THE MINERALSAND ROCKS (them, and even learning what they are used for in the world).I learned about the different uses for each mineral, what their differencesand similarities were, and how to identify them. (I only wish I could remembereverything I learned! But now that I can’t remember much at all, I’m veryexcited about taking this class.) I know minerals affect everything aroundme, and in this class, I can’t wait to learn HOW (about the specific waysthey do.) [[did shorten your introduction-it was a little too long fora one-page essay]]

           Minerals are everywhere—from (the) cars (we drive), to (the) food (we eat),to (the) jewelry (we wear), and (even inside our) TO computers. Lead, Aluminum,Silver, Gold, and Sulfur {{no need to capitalize the names of minerals,or metals}}—all (of) these minerals and METALS and many more FIND NUMEROUSDIFFERENT USES (are used in certain and specific ways every day). [[useactive verbs, e.g., 'find' instead of 'are']] I know that without minerals,I would not EXIST (be here), as my own body CONSISTS OF (is composed ofmany of them) MINERALS. (I’m very intrigued by the fact that if even onemineral was wiped out of existence) IT IS INTRIGUING TO THINK THAT REMOVING a SINGLE ELEMENT FROM EXISTENCE—say aluminum-   (was completelygone forever—our way of life) would (be) CHANGE LIFE drastically (changed). We’d have to find another way to build (our) airplanes, (our) cars, anda new substance to wrap (our) leftovers in. Or if lead were to disappear,we would have (find) a new way to build and run electronic applications,television tubes, weights, ceramics or crystal glass, foil or wire, andeven X-Ray and gamma radiation shielding.

           I hope to learn about how each mineral is specifically used in my life—andaround me. I want to be able to identify minerals in my life—and figureout how each was used to create the things around me—like the walls ofmy dorm room, my desk lamp, and my fish bowl—everything. I really thinkI’m going to enjoy this class. I’m definitely ready to learn.

[[strong, uplifting conclusion]]

Essay
 

 Minerals are a vital part of how I live my dailylife and how I interact with my surrounding environment.  Withoutminerals we wouldn't have the objects that we use everyday for school,work, and leisure; such as computers, the chairs that we sit on, the buildingsthat we live in, lights, glass, and many other objects that we use everyday and take for granted.  Minerals are used and processed every dayto give us valuable items such as iron, aluminum, the filaments for lightbulbs, gold, silver, and gems for our jewelry, the silicon used in computerchips, and copper used to make wiring, among thousands of other uses. The locating, excavating, mining, processing, refining, distributing, andselling of minerals employ hundreds of thousands of people from our countryand around the world and are major factors in the world’s economy, thesocial interactions among people, and the advancement of the human raceitself.  Minerals are an essential part of life itself, because withoutthem there wouldn’t be much of an Earth left for anything to live on, letalone thrive.

In this class, I'd like to learn about the things thatthe general run of people don't know about minerals and how they are used,and also the types of minerals used for common things that we use all thetime that we don't usually think about.  I took this class becauseI have always been interested in minerals, and since I was a child, havealways liked Earth Science.  I don’t need it to fulfill my GN credits,or even for electives, I took it because I thought it would be interestingand would benefit me in the long run from know about how minerals interactwith us in our everyday life.
 

Comments

I enjoyed reading your essay.  It is concise, andwell-written.  Here are a few general comments in << scientificcontent>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to considerfor future essays.

<<good references to particular uses of differentminerals, different steps involved in the life-cycle of minerals, vitalrole in the economy>>

[[need to structure your essay in three distinct sections:Introduction, body, and conclusion.]]

{{Use simpler sentences, active voice, and strong verbs.See what you think about  your more  "muscular"  and "lean"first sentence: Minerals constitute a vital part of my life and environment.}}
 

Essay

Primary Essay on Minerals

 Once thought about, minerals affect very much ofa normal human being‚s life.  Glancing briefly around my dorm room,I notice so many things that couldn‚t exist without the aid of minerals. The metals used in all of the various electronic equipment, the quartzused in clocks and the glass for mirrors are just a few of the objectsthat need minerals from the earth to be here.
 One main point that I wish to learn from takingthis course is how much and how often society is really affected my minerals. To be quite honest, apart from doing a third grade science project on igneous,sedimentary and metamorphic rocks, my knowledge of minerals is quite limited. The only other educational encounter that I can recall at the moment wasa special I watched on the history channel about copper mining in Butte,Montana.
 Needless to say, I haven‚t been exposed to muchtechnical information on minerals and how they affect society everyday. Though it is not every man‚s dream to learn more about resources that comefrom our earth, I would still like to know a bit more about what goes intorefining these products to make them into what I see every day and howoften I really am affected by them.
 

Comments

 This is a brief and sincere essay.   Hereare a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure,organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.

<<Although very low key, you make some referenceto uses of minerals and classification of rocks.  You could add a sentence, or two about copper mining in Butte that has led to oneof the most spectacular Superfund sites. Interest in mineral processing.>>

[[Good organization of the essay with good introduction,somewhat lean body, strong, and funny conclusion.  You could beefup the body a little.  Honest and down-to-earth tone.]]

{{Need simpler, shorter sentences.  See your lastsentence: It takes more than half of your concluding paragraph.}}
 

 Essay

Minerals and Modern Society

To be completely honest, I have never realized the importanceof minerals in our world today.  However, after careful considerationand the brief class introduction, I have come to the conclusion that mineralsplay a significant role in my life. From the tools and objects I use andtake for granted, such as computers, to the jewelry I receive and wearproudly, minerals are everywhere.  In addition, I feel that our societytoday is oblivious to amount of minerals that exist essentially our lives. For example, my mom raised her eyebrows and questioned why I chose to takea course labeled “Minerals and Modern Society”.  She did not see therelevance of studying this topic even though she herself relies on mineralseach and every day.

           Through out this course, I would like to gain a broader view of the useof minerals in our society in the past, present, and future.  Forinstance, I was surprised that gold is a part in computers.  I wouldlike to learn about other objects that are made from minerals and how exactlythey were constructed.  Also, I am not completely sure what a mineralis and is not.  I feel it would be helpful to discuss the major mineralswe use and their specific and common properties.

           Overall, although it is only the first week of the course, I am alreadylearning new and interesting facts concerning minerals.  I hope thatover the next few months I fully understand the properties of mineralsalong with the major role they play in my life and society.  Maybe then I can explain to my mom why she should take this class.
 

Comments
 

I like the personal story line with the "anchor mom" in this essay that nicely ties your introduction and conclusion. It is also well organized, and well written.   Here are a fewgeneral comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]],and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.

<<good reference to significant, but usually unrecognized,role of minerals in society, gold in computers,  and a healthy doseof curiosity>>

[[Good organization of ideas, could shorten the introductionand lengthen the body.  Good transitions between sentences and paragraphs.]]

{{Good use of active voice in your sentences.  Thereare a couple of typos and punctuation errors. }}
 

Essay
 

How Minerals Affect My Way of Life

Minerals are important to me because they are everywhere. If I look
around for a moment I notice that everything is composedof some mineral
or another. Minerals are important because they are keysto survival in
the world that I live in. There are minerals used inmaking houses,
buildings, and everyday household items including televisionsets and
even this computer I am using to write this paper. Minerals are made
into the car that I drive and the buildings that I livein.
Minerals are natural resources that are not man madebut come from the
earth‚s surface.  These natural resources find away into every activity
that is done during the day. Natural resources have becomea vital part
in the way that I live. From the time I take a showerin the morning to
the time I go to bed at night I am surrounded by materialscomposed of
minerals.    I never really noticed beforewriting this paper just how
important minerals are to me.  They are very importantto me because my
way of life would not exist without minerals.
Minerals are very important to me because they aid incommunication.
Today, communicating with others is a vital part of society. The
telephone and the computer are composed of minerals andwould not exist
without these natural resources.
   In this class I hope to gain a better understandingof where minerals
come from.  I hope to learn how minerals are madeand what process the
earth goes through to make minerals.

Comments

This is a good personal reflection on minerals. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone,structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.I may have ADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy,or better flow.

How Minerals Affect My Way of Life [[good title]]

Minerals are important to me because they are everywhere. If I look
around for a moment I notice that everything is composedof, OR MADE FROM some mineral
or another. Minerals are important because they CONSTITUTE(are) [[active voice]] keys to survival in
the world that I live in. There are minerals used inmaking houses,
buildings, and everyday household items including televisionsets and
even this computer I am using to write this paper. Minerals are made
into (the) cars (that I drive) and (the) buildings (thatI live in).
Minerals are natural resources that are not man madebut come from the
earth‚s surface.  These natural resources find away into every DAILY activity
(that is done during the day). Natural resources havebecome a vital part
in the way that I live <<Natural resources includemore than minerals, such as plants, water, and air.  They have alwaysbeen vital in every way of life.   Need to stick to minerals.>>From the time I take a shower in the morning to
the time I go to bed at night I am surrounded by materials(composed of) MADE FROM
minerals.    I never really noticed beforewriting this paper just how
important minerals are to me.  They are very importantto me because my
way of life would not exist without minerals.
Minerals are very important to me because they aid incommunication.
Today , communicating with others PLAYS (is) a vital(part of) ROLE IN society.  The
telephone and the computer (are composed) CONSIST ofminerals AND METALS  and would not exist
without these natural resources.
   In this class I hope to gain a better understandingof where minerals
come from.  I hope to learn how minerals are made(and what process ) IN the
earth (goes through to make minerals).

[[Generally good organization of ideas, a little repetitive,but good emphasis on why minerals important.   Introduction isa little long, but reads well. ]]

{{Need to use active voice more frequently.}}

<<good references to  various applicationsof minerals, could identify some minerals, or metals by name  >>
 

Essay

My name is .........  I am 20 years old, and
throughout my life, minerals have been a big part of
it.  I live in New Jersey, and minerals are allover
that state. 
Minerals are something we see around us everyday.
Minerals have affected my life because mostly
everything I own, for the most part, came from a
mineral. 
My car is made from steel.  The steel is a metal,
which is a mineral.  Also, the windows in my carcome
from sand.  The sand comes from a mineral. These
minerals give me a form of transportation. 
My house, which is my form of shelter, is also made
from minerals.  The windows in my house keep outthe
cold.  Also the concrete used in making the househas
rocks in it.  These rocks are minerals.  Andthere is
wood used to hold the building up.
 I use a lot of electrical items.  Some ofthese items
include a computer, television, vcr, and many others.
There are many minerals that are used to make the
wires and little computer chips.   Most ofthese
minerals are mostly metals.  Also I play a guitar.
The strings on the guitar are metal, or some a nickel
plating to it.
 I am in this class mostly because itís arequirement.
 But after a few weeks of the class I know I willhave
a little more knowledge about minerals.  I intendto
know what minerals are mostly used in everyday life.
I donít really know a lot about minerals, so
furthering my knowledge on this would be good. It
sounds like an interesting topic.  Also it dealswith
something you see everyday.

Comments
 

I enjoyed reading your essay.  Good personal reflectionon the uses of minerals, well-thought of, well written.  Here area few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure,organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays. I may haveADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy, orbetter flow.

[[need a  good title for your essay]]

My name is .......  I am 20 years old, and
(throughout my life,) minerals have been a big part of
MY LIFE (it).  I live in New Jersey, and mineralsare all over
that state <<Is there any state that does not haveminerals?>>.
Minerals (are something we see around) SURROUND [[useactive voice]] us (everyday).
Minerals have affected my life because mostly
everything I own, for the most part, came from a
mineral. 
My car is made from steel.  The steel is a metal,
which is a mineral.  Also, the windows in my carcome
from sand.  The sand comes from a mineral. These
minerals PROVIDE (give me a form of) COMFORTABLE transportation.
My house, (which is) my (form of) shelter, is also made
from minerals.  The windows in my house keep outthe
cold.  Also the concrete used in making the househas
rocks in it.  These rocks CONSIST OF (are) minerals. And there is
wood used to hold the building up.
 I use (a lot of) MANY electrical (items) APPLIANCES. (Some of t)These (items)
include a computer, television, vcr, and many others.
There are many minerals that are used to make the
wires and little computer chips.   Most ofthese
minerals are mostly metals.  Also I play a guitar.
The strings on the guitar are metal, or some a nickel
plating to it.
 I am in this class mostly because itís arequirement.
 But after a few weeks of the class I know I willhave
a little more knowledge about minerals.  I intendto
know what minerals are mostly used in everyday life.
I donít really know a lot about minerals, so
furthering my knowledge on this would be good. It
sounds like an interesting topic.  Also it dealswith
something you see everyday.  [[could shorten yourconclusion for a more crisp ending]]
 

[[good organization of ideas in well constructed paragraphs]]
<<good references to applications of several mineralswith specific information>>
{{use more robust, active sentences}}
 

Essay

Minerals Effect Society
 

           Minerals are all around us.  We use them everyday.  Just lookaround you; it doesn‚t matter what kind of materials you are using. You can be sitting in a plastic chair, or driving in a car, but whateverit may be more than likely it was made from minerals.  This is exactlyhow minerals mainly effect our every day lives.  Of course mineralsdon‚t come from living organisms.  So products such as paper and woodenproducts do not count as minerals.  But as I sit here and go througha serious thought process, I can figure out that I use minerals more thanI would have ever thought. 

           Over the summer months, when I carry on a normal everyday life, I believethat I use minerals more over that span of time than any other time duringthe year.  As I look at the things that I do and the items that Iuse everyday, there are plenty of minerals involved.  The main usageof minerals being my transportation needs.  Transportation servicesinvolve gasoline which is produced from petroleum, a vehicle, and of coursethe roadways and highway systems.  On the side, I also use clays formy dishes to eat off of and I live in a brick house that was produced fromclay.  There are also many electronics and plastics that are usedto help me through life and to survive.  When I pick up the telephoneor turn on the T.V. to enjoy myself, I realize that they are made frommineral based materials too.  Even at this very moment I am involvedwith minerals in my life.  The use of this computer to write my paperis just another example.  It‚s like no matter what I do in today‚ssociety, a majority of the items used are made from minerals.  Aluminum,gold, petroleum, coal, cement, and others are just a few to name. If it weren‚t for the usage of minerals, would it even be possible to carryon an everyday style of living? 

           As far as what I plan on learning in this class, I really don‚t know. The only true expectation that I have for this class is to learn wheresome of these minerals come from and what products are produced from them. I have always been interested in the minerals of the earth, so I figuredthat this would be my chance to learn about them.

           The main theme is that minerals are all around me.  I use them allthe time and don‚t even recognize it.  This is my chance to learnwhere they come from and why we use them so much.  I look forwardto it. 

Comments

This is a good first draft of an essay with free flowingideas.  You need to revise, rewrite, and revise to focus and sharpenit.  Below are a few general comments in << scientific content>>,[[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for futureessays.
 

[[Your tone is conversational and a little too informalfor this kind of essay.  Make your sentences self-contained, standon their own.  Structure your essay along a time line, a theme, ora  story. ]]

<<Good reference to some uses of minerals. GIve more specific information. Avoid generalizations.  Yes, plantsand living organisms are not minerals, but some minerals have come fromonce living organisms - e.g., calcium carbonate, CaCO3, as mentioned inclass. >>

{{I strongly recommend that you work with a writing tutor on this essay to start with, and your next essay.  Writing well isan important skill that you can acquire by working hard at it with goodhelp, initially.}}
 
 
 

Minerals (E)Affect {{Affect is the verb.}}Society
 

           Minerals are all around us.  We use them everyday.  Just lookaround you; it doesn‚t matter what kind of materials you are using. You can be sitting in a plastic chair, or driving in a car, but whateverit may be more than likely it was made from minerals.  This is exactlyhow minerals mainly (e)Affect our every day lives.  Of course mineralsdon‚t come from living organisms <<some do!>>.  So productssuch as paper and wooden products do not count as minerals.  But asI sit here and go through a serious thought process, I can figure out thatI use minerals more than I would have ever thought. 

           Over the summer months, when I carry on a normal everyday life, I believethat I use minerals more over that span of time than any other time duringthe year.  As I look at the things that I do and the items that Iuse everyday, there are plenty of minerals involved.  The main usageof minerals being my transportation needs.  Transportation servicesinvolve gasoline which is produced from petroleum, a vehicle, and of coursethe roadways and highway systems.  On the side, I also use clays formy dishes to eat off of and I live in a brick house that was produced fromclay.  There are also many electronics and plastics that are usedto help me through life and to survive.  When I pick up the telephoneor turn on the T.V. to enjoy myself, I realize that they are made frommineral based materials too.  Even at this very moment I am involvedwith minerals in my life.  The use of this computer to write my paperis just another example.  It‚s like no matter what I do in today‚ssociety, a majority of the items used are made from minerals.  Aluminum,gold, petroleum, coal, cement, and others are just a few to name. If it weren‚t for the usage of minerals, would it even be possible to carryon an everyday style of living? 

           As far as what I plan on learning in this class, I really don‚t know. The only true expectation that I have for this class is to learn wheresome of these minerals come from and what products are produced from them. I have always been interested in the minerals of the earth, so I figuredthat this would be my chance to learn about them.

           The main theme is that minerals are all around me.  I use them allthe time and don‚t even recognize it.  This is my chance to learnwhere they come from and why we use them so much.  I look forwardto it.
 

Essay

 Minerals greatly affect the way that people live. From the smallest things
to the largest, minerals have probably played a rolein their formation and
existence.  In this course, I would like to knowmore about the specific
ways in which minerals contribute to our environmentand world.  It would be
interesting to know what exact minerals make up a particularthing (A thing
that we may look at everyday, but not know what it wasmade from).  It was
mentioned in class that the desks and chairs that weuse every day are made
up of minerals.  There are many other items usedin the world that are
important to society that people take for granted. Many think that they are
just what they are: a limestone bathtub, marble floorsand the gems in our
everyday jewelry etc.  However, they fail to realizethat they come from a
much more natural places as well as serve other purposes. During the course
of this class, I would also like to know how mineralsare formed, the
difference between minerals and other natural substancesand the different
kinds of minerals.  It would be interesting to knowwhat classifies
something as mineral and/or the chemical make-up thatit needs to have.
This is important to me because minerals provide a worldfor me to live and
function in.  From the soil that I walk on to theair that I breath,
minerals play a major role, and unfortunately I, andmany others aren’t
aware of its benefits in totality.

Comments

This is a  very compact essay with good ideas. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone,structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.I may have ADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy,or better flow.

[[need a title for your essay]]
 
 

 Minerals greatly affect the way that people live. From the smallest things
to the largest, minerals have probably played a rolein their formation and
existence  <<need to be more specific andassertive- words like 'things' and 'probably' make your sentence vagueand hesitant>>  .  In this course, I would like to know moreabout the specific
ways in which minerals contribute to our environmentand world <<good>>. [[paragraph break here-ened of introduction]]It would be
interesting to know what exact minerals make up a particular(thing) OBJECT (A thing
that we may look at everyday, but not know what it wasmade from).  It was
mentioned in class that the desks and chairs that weuse every day are made
(up) FROM of minerals.  There are many other itemsused in the world that are
important to society that people take for granted. Many think that they are
just what they are: a limestone bathtub, marble floorsand the gems in our
everyday jewelry etc.  However, they fail to realizethat they come from THE EARTH'S CRUST (a
much more natural places) AND MAY HAVE MANY OTHER APLICATIONS(as well as serve other purposes).  During the course
of this class, I would also like to know how mineralsare formed, the
difference between minerals and other natural substancesand the different
kinds of minerals <<GOOD>>.  It would be interestingto know what classifies
(something) A SUBSTANCE as A mineral and/or (the) ITSchemical COMPOSITION(make-up that it needs to have.)
This is important to me because minerals provide a worldfor me to live and
function in.  [[paragraph break here to start yourconclusion]]From the soil that I walk on to the air that I breath,
minerals play a major role, and unfortunately I, andmany others aren’t
aware of its benefits in totality.
 

{{Need to construct more definitive and more robust sentences.}}
[[Use paragraph breaks to divide your essay into threedistinct sections - introduction, body, and conclusion.  You havedone a good job in the contents of these sections, I just marked the paragraphbreaks for a better appearance and easier reading.]]
 

Essay

First Essay on Minerals

 I never take any science course in penn state beforeso when I first hear the word mineral in class I wasnít sure whatthat means. At first, I thought mineral comes from only plant.  Ididnít know exactly whatís the real definition for it. When you ask whatís itís made of mineral from plant, animal,or fossil thatís in the class thatís when I kind of understandabout mineral.
Minerals are very important to us in everyday life. Sometimes I used something that is mineral and I donít even noticeit.  Without mineral our life would be very hard. There wouldnítbe any house to stay, desk, chair, and etc.  There also wouldnítbe any electricity if there werenít any mineral.  I never knewthat until we talked about this during class.
 I want to learn how necklace, ring, and other jewelryare made of.  I know it is made of gold but I donít actuallyknow how is done.  By the end of this semester I would have a betterunderstanding of mineral.  I hope to acknowledge this and take otherscience classes.  My friend told me to take this emsc 121 becausehe told me that is very interesting and fun.  So far, I really likethis class and hope to learn some more fun stuff about minerals.
 

Comments

What you have here is not an essay, just a random collectionof some thoughts, or free writing.  You need to take these thoughtsadd more ideas and mold them into a essay structure that consists of introduction,main body, and conclusion.  You need to construct good sentences thatwill make up the paragraphs that are well connected throughout your essay. Make your essay tell an interesting story as you provide information. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone,structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.
 
 

[[You need to have a professional tone in your essay anda good organization of the content.  You wrote this piece as if youwere talking to me.  That may be an interesting style for an essay,but you still need to have well-constructed, and grammatically correctsentences.  ]]

<<Give information that your readers would be interestedin; be more direct, and specific.>>

{{Need to work hard on your sentences; some are not clear,others don't stand by themselves, many need to be corrected for grammar.}}
 
 

First Essay on Minerals [[need a more inviting title]]

 I never take any science course in penn state beforeso when I first hear the word mineral in class I wasnít sure whatthat means. At first, I thought mineral comes from only plant.  Ididnít know exactly whatís the real definition for it. When you ask whatís itís made of mineral from plant, animal,or fossil thatís in the class thatís when I kind of understandabout mineral. <<Rewrite the previous three sentences to expressclearly what a mineral is, and is not.>>
Minerals are very important to us in everyday life. Sometimes I used something that is mineral and I donít even noticeit.  Without mineral our life would be very hard. There wouldnítbe any house to stay, desk, chair, and etc.  There also wouldnítbe any electricity <<why? Be more specific.  For example, without copper wire, how would electricity be transmitted. >> if there werenítany mineral.  I never knew that until we talked about this duringclass.
 I want to learn how necklace, ring, and other jewelryare made of.  I know it is made of gold but I donít actuallyknow how is done. [[I would put a paragraph break here to start the conclusionto  wrap up your essay in connection with  introduction, andthe body.]]  By the end of this semester I would have a better understandingof mineral.  I hope to acknowledge <<acknowledge may not bethe verb you are looking for here>> this and take other science classes. My friend told me to take this emsc 121 because he told me that is veryinteresting and fun <<because learning is fun, right?>>.  Sofar, I really like this class and hope to learn some more fun stuff aboutminerals.
 
 

Essay

 When someone first asks me to think of some thingsthat minerals are used for, only a few examples initially come to mind. Even though I'm not a girl, jewelry is usually the first for me and thenperhaps something like silverware or glass windows.  But after takingjust a few moments to really stop and think about all the different usesof minerals, I quickly realized that without minerals, I would be livinglike a caveman.
 Minerals are everywhere!  They are used inall sorts of everyday necessities from steel products, to chemicals, buildingmaterials, cars, fertilizers, and even electronics.  I then realizedthat all day long I am using minerals.  Wether it is directly or indirectly,minerals are a part of everything I do.  Going places in a car orplane requires steel made from Iron Ore....When I look at my watch to checkthe time, quartz is used in the components.  It then occurred to methat I should really be trying to think of something that is not made frommineral.  How about my clothes?  My T-shirt is made of cotton,which is a plant.  Sure this is true, but the machine used to makeit certainly wasn't made from a plant.  It was made from metallicminerals.
 I now had a goal of finding something that wasn'tmade with the help of a mineral, but first I could escape thinking aboutminerals for awhile and enjoy lunch.  Before I could bite into thatjuicy hamburger, images of a wire fence (made from metal) holding the cowsin the field came to mind.  Then I thought of the cows eating grainsand grasses that were grown with mineral rich fertilizers.  It becameclear to me that if you aren't using a mineral, you are most likely usingsomething that was made with the help of a mineral.  Wether it's buyinga soda with metal coins, or sleeping on a bed with a steel frame, I amusing minerals all the time, and I can't imagine my life without them.
 Throughout my education I have had only a coupleof science classes that touched on the subject of minerals.  Theseclasses had samples of different rocks and minerals and required the studentsto memorize them.  The next week, the students were then graded onhow many they could correctly identify.  I would expect this courseto devote some time in learning some of the common minerals and what theylook like.  This would be a good introduction, but certainly not themajor goal of the class.   Instead, I feel that learning wherelarge amounts of gold and diamonds could be found would be more important. If this isn't possible and you want to keep it a secret, then I would reallybe interested in what the newest minerals in todays society are and whatnew types of uses are being found for them.  Also, how are these mineralsmined? And finally, what is in store for the future when these naturalresources are exhausted?

Comments

This is a lively assay with good examples of how mineralsare weaved into the fabric of modern life.  Here are a few generalcomments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]],and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays. I may have ADDED, or (removed)some words for the sake of completion, accuracy, or better flow.
 

[[need a title]]

 (When someone first asks me to think of some thingsthat ) THINKING ABOUT WHAT minerals are used for, only a few examples (initially)come to mind (INITIALLY).  Even though I'm not a girl, jewelry isusually the first for me and then perhaps something like silverware orglass windows.  But after taking just a few moments to really stopand think about all the different uses of minerals, I quickly realizedthat without minerals, I would be living like a caveman <<you knowhow badly cave people  needed minerals for shelter, food, and defense>>.
 Minerals are everywhere!  They are used inall sorts of everyday necessities from steel products, to chemicals, buildingmaterials, cars, fertilizers, and even electronics.  I then realizedthat all day long I am using minerals.  Wether it is directly or indirectly,minerals are a part of everything I do.  Going places in a car orplane requires steel made from Iron Ore....When I look at my watch to checkthe time, quartz is used in the components.  It then occurred to methat I should really be trying to think of something that is not made frommineral.  How about my clothes?  My T-shirt is made of cotton,which is a plant.  Sure this is true, but the machine used to makeit certainly wasn't made from a plant.  It was made from metallicminerals.
 I now had a goal of finding something that wasn'tmade with the help of a mineral, but first I could escape thinking aboutminerals for awhile and enjoy lunch.  Before I could bite into thatjuicy hamburger, images of a wire fence (made from metal) holding the cowsin the field came to mind.  Then I thought of the cows eating grainsand grasses that were grown with mineral rich fertilizers.  It becameclear to me that if you aren't using a mineral, you are most likely usingsomething that was made with the help of a mineral.  Wether it's buyinga soda with metal coins, or sleeping on a bed with a steel frame, I amusing minerals all the time, and I can't imagine my life without them.
 Throughout my education I have had only a coupleof science classes that touched on the subject of minerals.  Theseclasses had samples of different rocks and minerals and required the studentsto memorize them.  The next week, the students were then graded onhow many they could correctly identify.  I would expect this courseto devote some time in learning some of the common minerals and what theylook like.  This would be a good introduction, but certainly not themajor goal of the class.   Instead, I feel that learning wherelarge amounts of gold and diamonds could be found would be more important. If this isn't possible and you want to keep it a secret, then I would reallybe interested in what the newest minerals in todays society are and whatnew types of uses are being found for them.  Also, how are these mineralsmined? And finally, what is in store for the future when these naturalresources are exhausted?
 

[[Good personal tone and a story thread running throughyour essay.  Good use of humor. You need to have a concluding paragraphto wrap up your essay]]

<<good, specific examples of  how mineralsare used in daily tasks and routines>>

Essay
 

First Essay on Minerals

 In nearly every aspect of my life there are mineralspresent.  From kicking rocks while

walking on concrete sidewalks to sitting in a brick buildingat a black stone desk, I notice minerals

in things that are around me.  What I did not realizewas the presence of minerals in electronics,

glass, the can I am sipping from, and half of the thingslying around my room. 

 Before I started this class, I had only thoughtof quarries when minerals came to mind since

there was a quarry near my house.  I could see theevidence when new foundations would be laid

in new houses, and in the layers of new road being putdown.  I never thought of metals as

minerals though.  To think that the fork I use ismade up of minerals went right over my head.  The

realization that copper in electronics and pipes or thetiny microprocessors in my computer were

mined out of the ground was something new to me.

 There is so much that can be made and discoveredfrom minerals that the possibilities are

endless.  What I want to get from this class is alook at how minerals are created and how they

are dispersed randomly around the world.  The readingtalked about how gold was the similar to

graphite or coal, but containing a different crystal structure. I want to learn how those tiny

differences that make such a big change in what the mineralsare.  Along that line, I would like to

learn about the different ways that minerals become present,like the volcano from 50 million years

ago versus a volcano out in the ring of fire. 

 Another idea that I have come upon is that therecould be minerals lying deep within the

earth that people have never seen before.  If ithas been 50 million years since the last kimberlitic

volcano, then what are the possibilities of another kindof volcano or a similar eruption today? 

 I have learned a little about plate tectonics. The major idea there that catches my eye is

how sea shells and things associated with the sea canbe found in mountains of the Himalayas,

and places such as Mt. Everest could be growing whileIndia might be getting smaller due to

tectonic plates pushing into each other.  More thananything, I am looking forward to learning about

minerals that are everywhere in the universe and havestories to tell.

Comments

This is a very interesting, and informative essay. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone,structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.I may have ADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy,or better flow.

<<good information and good questions on the entirelife-cycle of minerals>>

[[good introduction, and good body text; need to workon conclusion to reflect on the whole essay.]]

{{ use simpler sentences with active voice, and try using'I' less frequently}}
 
 

First Essay on Minerals [[could use a more interestingtitle]]

 In nearly every aspect of my life there are mineralspresent.  From kicking rocks while

walking on concrete sidewalks to sitting in a brick buildingat a black stone desk, I notice THAT minerals

(in things that are around) SURROUND me [[use active voice]]. What I did not realize (was the presence of) THAT minerals WERE INVOLVEDin  MAKING electronic(s) DEVICES,

glass, the can I am sipping from, and half of the thingslying around my room. 

 Before I started this class, I had only thoughtof quarries when minerals came to mind since

there was a quarry near my house.  I could see theevidence when new foundations would be laid

in new houses, and in the layers of new road being putdown.  I never thought of metals as

minerals though.  To think that the fork I use ismade up of minerals went right over my head.  The

realization that copper in electronics and pipes or thetiny microprocessors in my computer were

mined out of the ground was something new to me.

 There is so much that can be made and discoveredfrom minerals that the possibilities are

endless.  What I want to get from this class is alook at how minerals are created and how they

are dispersed randomly around the world.  The readingtalked about how gold was the similar to

graphite or coal, but containing a different crystal structure. I want to learn how those tiny

differences that make such a big change in what the mineralsare.  Along that line, I would like to

learn about the different ways that minerals become present,like the volcano from 50 million years

ago versus a volcano out in the ring of fire. 

 Another idea that I have come upon is that therecould be minerals lying deep within the

earth that people have never seen before.  If ithas been 50 million years since the last kimberlitic

volcano, then what are the possibilities of another kindof volcano or a similar eruption today? 

 I have learned a little about plate tectonics. The major idea there that catches my eye is

how sea shells and things associated with the sea canbe found in mountains of the Himalayas,

and places such as Mt. Everest could be growing whileIndia might be getting smaller due to

tectonic plates pushing into each other.  More thananything, I am looking forward to learning about

minerals that are everywhere in the universe and havestories to tell.
 

Essay and Comments
 

This is a well-rounded and interesting essay.  Hereare a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure,organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays. I may haveADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy, orbetter flow.
 

<<Good references to different aspects of minerals:Properties, mining, environmental impact.    A wholisticapproach to the earth system.]]

[[well-organized essay with a healthy personal tone. Relate the concluding section more closely to the introduction and thebody of the essay. ]]

{{Try using active voice more frequently, and 'I' lessfrequently}}.
 
 

[[need a title]]
 

 When I hear the word "mineral", I usually thinkof
crystals or gemstones.  I love to collect quartz
crystals from all over the place, including some that
I have found right here in Pennsylvania.  I am
fascinated by the healing properties of various
crystals as well as their beautiful forms in clusters
or individually.  Unfortunately, my knowledge of
minerals is pretty limited at this point.  Sinceour
first class, I have started to take notice to just how
many things around me are made from or contain
minerals, and it is really amazing what a huge part
minerals play in my life [[good engaging introduction]].
 The [BROAD]range of useful minerals produced bythe earth( is
so broad,) AFFECT nearly every aspect of my life( isaffected
by them).  From fuel to jewelry, which I have an
enormous collection of, minerals (are all around) SURROUNDme and
I often fail to recognize them .  Hopefully, this
course will allow me to understand how humans have
learned to  USE (utilize) these wonderful giftsfrom the
earth, and also provide me with a better understanding
of the part I play in the whole system.  I am
interested in learning more about the environmental
issues surrounding mining of certain minerals and how
to help cut down on the environmental impact of
mining.  I strongly believe that we need to lookvery
closely at how our actions affect our ecosystems and
do whatever is necessary to preserve the earth for
those we share it with and for future generations. 
 I am actually looking forward to writing the term
paper, and have already decided that I would like to
write about quartz, because I find it so fascinating
and there is so much left for me to learn about it.
My knowledge of quartz is currently limited to its
spiritual and healing properties and I would like to
become more informed about the different types of
quartz, where they are found, and the many uses for it
other than healing.  Hopefully, my next mining trip
will be even more fulfilling as I will be much more
informed.
 

Essay and Comments

This is a well-constructed and well-written essay. Here are a few general comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone,structure, organization]], and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays.I may have ADDED, or (removed) some words for the sake of completion, accuracy,or better flow.

<<I appreciate your awareness of various environmentalproblems, and mineral industries certainly have their fair share of those, but none of the problems you list in your introduction is related to mineralindustries per se.  Try establishing good connections between topicsthat you cover.>>

[[Good organization of your ideas in well-constructedparagraphs.  Good incorporation of your daily routine with severalexamples of mineral uses. Good personal tone ]]

{{Good use of  simple, short sentences.  Tryusing 'I' less frequently.}}
 
 

Essay #1

Minerals affect everyone everyday in life. Many timeswe go through life’s daily routines not realizing how important MotherNature'S gifts are to us. Many of us live in a highly industrialized environmentand abuse the earth in many ways. Our cars create pollution, our hair spraydepletes the ozone layer, and we are constantly cutting down trees. TheUnited States wastes more resources then any other country when takinginto account populations. I for one, realize that minerals are very importantin our daily routines. For example, just observe my daily morning routine.

I start my morning off with a nice hot shower. But ifit weren’t for the silica it would be hard to keep the water hot. Afterwards,as every girl knows drying your hair can be a pain, because no one wantsto walk outside in 20 degree State College weather. If it wasn’t for thedifferent minerals inside the dryer then I wouldn’t endure <<endurethe luxury??>> the luxury of be able to use my blow dryer. Afterwards itstime to put my jewelry on. I especially love my gold and silver jewelry.I do not have too much gold, due to the cost of the particular mineral.Gold can be an expensive piece of jewelry. Afterwards its time to eat,I quickly microwave a bowl of oatmeal in a ceramic dish. Before I realizeit I have to catch the bus. I prefer the bus rather than driving to classbecause it is bigger and sturdier. It uses less fuel per person (then)THAN if everyone drove using his or her own car. Also I feel the bus issafer because of its many tons of steel. In my morning routine I must encounterat least 10 minerals, but those are only the ones I am aware of.

I wish to learn more about minerals and their importantrole in my life; that is why I am taking this class. Unfortunately, I donot know much about minerals, but I am willing to learn. Where do mineralscome from? Can we run out of particular specie of minerals? Can mineralsbe synthetically made? How often do I use minerals? These are just someof the many questions I have concerning minerals.

Prior to this class I would have to say my favorite mineralwould be a diamond. It is beautiful and has a lot of symbolism, but I amconfident that it is not the most useful mineral. I especially wish tolearn more about diamonds and gold. I believe I will be introduced to countlessnumbers of minerals that are just as intriguing and important.

Essay and Comments

Your essay is packed with many pieces of information andpersonal reflections.  I offer below a few general comments in <<scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]], and {{grammar}}to consider for future essays.
 

<<Good reference to gemstone qualities of quartz,lead in glazes, use of salt as a deicer, silver, etc.   Regardingquartz, there is perhaps too much detail and use of technical terms thatshould be defined.  Don't assume that your readers are knowledgeablein  the topic you write about. >>

[[Good contextual incorporation of your major, and yourresidence in relation to various minerals to make personal reflections. Think about dividing your essay into three distinct sections; introduction,main body, and conclusion.  Your first paragraph is too long, combiningintroduction with the body. >>

{{Make shorter, and simpler sentences.  A few sentencesin your essay are too long, and can be broken down into three sentences!Try to use 'I' less frequently. }}
 
 

[[need an interesting title]]

                                    Although there are several ways that minerals affect my life that I amaware of, I feel that there must be a multitude of other instances of mineraluse in my life that I have never really thought about. Honestly, the firstthing that comes to my mind is my deepening fascination with jewelry, especiallygemstones. My birthstone is amethyst, a form of quartz, and since I canremember I have always loved jewelry made with this crystal. As my interestin gemstones has grown, I have picked up bits and pieces of informationhere and there regarding aspects such as their metamorphosis: for instanceI was never aware of the stone ametrine until I spoke with a gemstone dealeronce who informed me that under intense heat, citrine begins to tak! eon the properties of amethyst (I think!), since they are both forms ofquartz, forming ametrine.  Moreover, I am a big fan of silver jewelry.Besides jewelry though, minerals play an important role in my life consideringI travel a lot. I just recently spent a semester in Costa Rica doing volunteerwork (where there are some amazing rocks), and it took a large airplaneto get me there. I also drive a car, which uses petroleum products as wellas many minerals in its structure. As an Integrative Arts major, I havetaken classes in ceramics and pottery, and we always have to beware ofglazes containing lead, as well as utilize materials containing flourite. Anotherobvious mineral use is a product of my environment: coming from upstateNew York where there is a lot of snow, we need to salt the roads many timesa day most winters. Much of the salt that we use comes from the mine 10minutes from my house, at the bottom of Cayuga Lake in It! haca.
                Besides giving me an appreciation of more minerals and their uses otherthan in jewelry, I hope to learn  more about the formation of mineralsin this course. I am intrigued by how many people classisfy anything hardand on the ground as a "rock" when really it could be composed of materialscompletely different, and in a different way, than the rock beside it. Ialso am interested in the less strictly scientific uses of minerals andgemstones, as I know that many people believe in their holistic healingpowers; however, I  realize that I might need to take a differentcourse for that! Moreover, I look forward to understanding a little moreabout the Costa Rican environment (including the volcanoes) and the rocks& minerals found there, by applying what I have learned in EMSC 121.

Essay and Comments

Your essay is succinct, well-organized, and well-written. Just one comment:  Go to the last paragraph and rewrite all the sentencesthat  contain "as well  as."

Good job.
 

 When registering for this course, I had a very narrowknowledge of what minerals were. Besides knowing that minerals were containedin rocks, I really had never thought about what minerals were used forand where they come from.

 Since the first day of class, I have learned somethings that have sparked my interest. The fact that coal by some definitionsmay be considered a mineral is very interesting to me, having grown upin the heart of the coal region, in Shamokin, PA.
Shamokin and surrounding areas also had a large farmingcommunity where limestone from the local quarries was used as fertilizerfor the farmer‚s crops. At one time, and to some extent today everythingin my hometown revolved around minerals especially coal.
You can see how boroughs surrounding the city grew aroundthe old coalmines even today.

 Although I never looked into what coal or limestonewas composed of or whether it was a mineral, I could see how these mineralsaffected my life. As well as some of the application they were used for.In the upcoming semester I like to learn more about how these mineralsaffected the local economies and the lives of the people who worked inthese mines and quarries. As well as what other various minerals are usedfor in our everyday life, as well as where they come from and how theyare extracted from the earth.
 

Essay and Comments

Very good essay.  Good ideas,  good information,good organization,  and good English.   A few correctionsmarked in ALL CAPS.
 

How Minerals Affect My Life

        I never gavemuch thought as to what part minerals played in my life.  I nevereven thought of minerals.  Minerals to me were a kind of nutrientsin the earth that looked pretty and that was all I knew.  After thesefirst few days of class I have learned a new definition of what mineralsare, I know types of minerals and how they are produced, and I know waysin which they are used in everyday life.  I now see what an impactthe production of minerals has on our society and myself.
        Now I understandthat minerals are more than just rocks and stones.  They are inorganicsubstances that have great power to fuel cars, heat houses, insulate electricalwires, and ENABLE many other (things) TASKS.  (They) SINGLE METALSare mixed together to create strong metal(s) ALLOYS and (they) PRECIOUSMETALS are used alone as jewelry.  Without minerals much of our worldwould be different.
        Every daywhen I walk to class I walk over cement, rocks, and other types of walkways. Many of these walkways are made of minerals.  When I get up in themorning or before I go out I use eye shadow, made from a mineral calledmica.  When I get in my car (minerals) METALS called steel, manganese,and nickel create the safety cage around me and aluminum creates the shellaround that.  They are in the fuel and also there is platinum in thecatalyst of my exhaust.  When I get dressed up I put my silver orgold jewelry on, depending on what matches my outfit better.
Precious metals have been an important part of our culturefor many centuries.  Mining of minerals is also important to our economy. Because these minerals are in such demand the extraction of them from theground requires workers, thus creating jobs.  Minerals make many thingsstronger or more practical in our world.
        There aremany minerals and all of them are useful in some important way.  Mineralsclearly have a great impact on our industrialized world and will continueto in the future.
 

Essay
 

Minerals and Me

           Computers.  Television.  Music.  These are three of my favoritethings to do (outside of class of course) that make up part of my everydaylife.  After attending class these past few days, it has made me moreaware of how minerals affect me on a daily basis.  I have always havebeen amazed with the skill involved in developing the technology to makethe functioning of something as complicated as a computer or televisionpossible.  However, up until this point I have not had the knowledgeoutside of high school chemistry, I have not had the knowledge to discriminatethe c! ! haracteristic differences between one mineral and another. Minerals are a vital part of my life on a daily basis and without themand the skills to develop them into useful materials.

           There are many different minerals that go into making these items. The different characteristics of these minerals make it possible for themto serve different functions.  Things like copper, aluminum, coaland titanium are common minerals and elements that make these entertainmentoptions possible.  However, there are many questions that I hope toget answered as a result of taking this course.  Normally not a sciencefan, there are many scientific curiosities that I do have.  I wouldlike to learn how do I determine different physical properties of mineralsin terms of their possible uses in society.  After taking this course,I expect to have the knowledge to determine what minerals are used in othermaterials by looking at them.   The idea that so many items aredependent on mineral deposits is amazing.  It makes the complexityof our world seem more comprehensible to me.
 
 

Comments
 

Interesting essay with good ideas.  There is roomfor improvement in organization and sentence structures. Here are a fewgeneral comments in << scientific content>>, [[tone, structure, organization]],and {{grammar}} to consider for future essays. I have ADDED, or [removed]some words for the sake of completion, accuracy, or better flow of thetext.
 

Minerals and Me
 

          USING [C] computers[. ], WATCHING (T)television[. ], and LISTENING to [M]music[. These] are three of my favorite things to do (outside of class of course)[that make up part of my everyday life].  [After a]Attending classthese past few days [, it] has made me more aware of how minerals affectme on a daily basis.  I have always [have] been amazed with [the skillinvolved in developing] the technologIES[y] [to make the functioning ofsomething as complicated as a] THAT HAVE MADE computerS (or) AND televisionpossible.  However, up until this point I have not had the knowledgeoutside of high school chemistry, I have not had the knowledge to discriminatethe c! ! haracteristic differences between DIFFERENT MINERALS (one mineraland another).  Minerals [are] CONSTITUTE a vital part of my life ona daily basis and without them and the skills to develop them into usefulmaterials.{{incomplete sentence}}

           There are many different minerals that go into making these items {{Whichitems? Specify}}.  The different characteristics of these minerals{{which minerals?}} make it possible for them to serve different functions. Things like copper, aluminum, coal and titanium are common minerals andelements that make these {{which? not clear}} entertainment options possible. However, there are many questions that I hope to get answered as a resultof taking this course.  Normally not a science fan <<not a goodthing to say!>>, there are many scientific curiosities that I do have <<yes,of course you should.  I would like to learn how (do) I determinedifferent physical properties of minerals in terms of their possible usesin society.  [[paragraph break to start conclusion]]After taking thiscourse, I expect to have the knowledge to determine what minerals are usedin other materials by looking at them.   The idea that so manyitems are dependent on mineral deposits is amazing.  It makes thecomplexity of our world seem more comprehensible to me.
 
 

<<Good job pointing out the relationship betweenminerals and developing technologies.  Good reference to differencesbetween minerals in properties and applications.  Expression of curiosityin mineral composition.  Need to be more specific and clear in placesthat are marked in the text. >>
 

[[Need to organize your ideas clearly in three sectionsof the essay: introduction, body, and conclusion.  Could shorten introductionand strengthen conclusion. ]]

{{Watch your sentences, proofread carefully}}
 
 
 
 

One thought on “Computer Today S Need Essay My Favorite

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *